Three Secrets of Forgiveness
By Gina Simmons, Ph.D.
Heather wiped her tear-streaked face with tissue. Memories of her father, who abandoned her as a child, still tormented her emotionally, two decades later. As she moved through her home, vacuuming the living room and cleaning the kitchen, the tears ran down her cheeks. Her husband Dan came home from work and asked, “What’s wrong?” “I can’t stop thinking about how much he hurt me,” she replied. “It’s insane how angry and hurt I still feel.” What Dan said next changed her thinking forever. “I come home every day, love you, support you and the kids, and you spend all your time thinking about him,” Dan said.
Heather learned one of the secrets of forgiveness. Forgiveness makes us happier and healthier. When we focus so much on our personal injuries, we fail to enjoy and appreciate the love and goodness right in front of us. Heather immediately started feeling better when she took to heart her husband’s words. Her anger and hurt stopped her from fully enjoying the man who came home and loved her every day. As soon as she started spending more time thinking about her husband’s kindness and goodness, her mood improved. As she felt stronger emotionally, she moved forward and forgave her father.
Raul’s fierce face filled with rage when he spoke of the molest of his daughter Angela. “She was only 8 years old and he took her innocence,” he said. “How can you forgive the unforgivable?” he asked. Ten years later Raul still raged when he talked about the event that changed the course of the life of his family. “How does your anger help your daughter recover?” I asked. “I can’t forgive my friend who did this to her. I will hate him forever,” he replied. “How does hating him help your daughter?” I asked. Raul paused, his face softened, “It doesn’t,” he said. “Could you forgive him if your daughter’s life depended on it?” I asked. Raul looked up, “Of course,” he said. “I’d do anything for her.” Raul discovered how his anger hurt both he and his daughter, stunting their recovery. He learned the second secret: Forgiveness is a choice. Choosing forgiveness allowed he and his daughter to enjoy each other without the shadow of the molester clouding every interaction with anger and hurt. Forgiving his daughter’s molester does not mean condoning the horrible act. It also does not mean he must reconcile with his friend. Raul learned to forgive, not forget, so that he could love his daughter more fully. Love filled up the space in his mind formerly taken up by anger and resentment.
William felt proud of his career accomplishments. He won numerous awards, rapidly moving up the corporate ranks. William fully expected his good evaluations and exceptional performance would win him a V.P. position. Instead the Fortune 500 company laid off thousands of managers, including William. Unable to find a comparable job over 2 years later, William felt resentful and scared. “I gave them the best of me and they threw me out with the trash,” he said. William gradually learned the third secret of forgiveness. Give up expecting life to always go as planned. Something he really wanted did not happen. When he stopped resenting that, he became more creative, and started his own company.
Forgiveness is not easy. When we work on making our life better after an injury, it helps strengthen us and provide the courage to forgive. According to Dr. Fred Luskin of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, people who are more forgiving have fewer health problems, less stress and healthier hearts. Success really is the best revenge.
You have a knack for including the human side in think pieces. You’re quite the writer — and now a prolific blogger. Keep up the good work!
Good little article here. It is true that a grudge is much harder on the person holding it than the object of the anger. I remember reading about an unfortunate woman who had just been subjected to the concentration camp of Auschwitz-Birkaneau. Who could blame her for not forgiving the sadistic and merciless Nazis? But a woman who had been in the camp for a while befriended her. One day she gave her this poignant advise: “Do not hate them. Hating them won’t hurt them.”
I often try to think of that when someone is going down the road in front of me with their stupid turn signal blinking the whole way.
On another note, if that is you holding your head in the photo above, I would like to make an appointment to see you right away. I have insurance.
This topic is extraordinary. Everyone has been damaged by some event or person in their life. One dictionary defined forgiveness as “to cease to feel anger or bitterness about an offense or toward a person”. Some even in the midst of the evils of the holocaust were able to do this by having an understanding of why it was happening, and the knowledge that hating their tormentors did not harm the perpetrator in the least. The only harm it caused was to themselves, in addition to what they were already enduring. Doing this, though, requires the management of our own thoughts and feelings, rather than allowing them to control us and dominate our lives. Not easy to do necessarily, but definitely best for us and our loved ones. Good job helping all of us who are victims reclaim our lives!
Thank you Cathy, Gary and Kelly for your comments. The example of resilience provided by many holocaust survivors is a great one to highlight.
Nicely written Gina! I’m glad I “stopped by” your blog.
Thank you for your kind comments MaryBeth. You can subscribe via email by the link on the lower right side of the blog. Would love to hear any ideas you might have for future blog posts.
Very useful for a paper im working on, thanks
Glad it was helpful!
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