What To Do When You’re Mad at Yourself
By Gina Simmons, Ph.D.
Ever have one of those days when everything seems to go wrong? Recently I returned from vacation to find our refrigerator had died a horrible death. Greeted by the lovely aroma of decomposing food, our plans to unpack and relax promptly self-destructed. After filling three large bags with waste from the refrigerator and burying them in the trash bin, we researched refrigerators online and collapsed into bed after 1 am. The next day I added refrigerator shopping to the usual post-vacation task avalanche. I helped my daughter with back to school jitters, raced from the school to three stores to look at refrigerators, raced to pick up daughter, and get her to a piano lesson. Running late I stopped at the house to quickly use the bathroom and grab the checkbook. Wheeling around as I pulled up my pants and hit the flush, I watched my only remaining car key disappear down the toilet drain. “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Of course the key has a computer chip requiring a full day at the dealership for reprogramming. (Our spare key was lost a few years earlier when our sons drove the car). This mistake of mine cost several hundred dollars. (I know you engineers out there could fix this quite easily for little cost. Please take pity on my ignorance.)
I thought of the scene in the movie “Liar, Liar” when Jim Carrey kicks his own butt in a restroom. I stomped about for a few moments sounding like an old Ren and Stimpy cartoon, “YOU IDIOT!” Yes I felt like a moron over this stupid, expensive mishap. Sometimes we feel sick about really big mistakes. One man I worked with faced the horror of killing someone in a drunk driving accident. His rage at himself turned into a paralyzing depression. Another woman felt a stomach churning self-disgust after cheating on her loving husband. She wondered how she could go on living with herself after this life altering misadventure.
Self-anger can morph into self-loathing, a poisonous way of thinking that can fuel mental illness. When self-anger festers into the infection of self-loathing, several negative outcomes follow:
- Difficulty giving and receiving love from others.
- Lack of motivation to achieve.
- Inability to enjoy normal pleasures of life.
- Self-destructive behaviors.
Famous psychiatrist Theodore Isaac Rubin wrote an excellent book called Compassion and Self-Hate. In it he talks about the conflict between our real self, with all our strengths, faults and insecurities, and our ideal self; successful, attractive, kind and perfect. Self-hatred, the most damaging form of self-anger, occurs when we feel it’s impossible to act ideally, and we give up on the value of our real self. Healthy self-esteem occurs when we see ourselves clearly enough to know our strengths and weaknesses and still find value in our real self. Our ideals point the way to what we wish to achieve, but when we fall short we quickly learn from it and move on.
If you worry your self-anger lingers too long or has become self-hatred, treatment for depression and low self-esteem can really help. Psychologists and other mental health providers will help you identify how your thinking may be exaggerated, or distorted. Perhaps you magnify your faults, while ignoring your strengths. The doctor can give you behavioral and thinking exercises to get you moving toward healthier self-esteem. In the mean time you can try a simple method we developed. It’s called the FIVE-S method, for kicking unhealthy anger at yourself or others.
1. Stop: Stop thinking about yourself, how you feel, what you’ve done.
2. Shift: Shift your focus to the present moment. Ask yourself, “what can I do right now to make things better?”
3. Set a Goal: What outcome do you wish to achieve?
4. Strategize: What are some ways to achieve that goal?
5. Start: Begin action toward achieving your goal.
The FIVE-S method works by pulling you out of the self-absorption. Songwriter Sarah McLaughlin calls it, “that sweet madness that glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.” Join the human race. We are all a family of messy, imperfect, smelly creatures who occasionally do something wondrous and beautiful. Philosopher Michael Polanyi says we are moral beings grafted onto bestiality. We’re animals with some kind of capacity for self-examination. We can learn. Even I learned never to go into a bathroom with keys in my pocket.
I’m sorry you had such a tough day. Putting it in perspective and finding humor in it (like “Liar Liar”) is the best way to move on.
Thank you Theresa for your supportive comment. I completely agree with you. Humor is the best medicine. If we can’t laugh at our foolishness we’re robbed of potential happiness. I just checked out your website and left a comment. I greatly admire teachers. Substitutes work really hard! And you have the courage to write too! Kudos!
Hi Gina, I was soo mad at myself today for missing out on a long awaited opportunity to sign up for a class at the community college. I missed because I did not check my email for one fateful day. The deadline passed. I felt shocked for my oversight. But your article is inspiring and pulled me out of my bad mood. I still have residual anger but atleast I am trying to move to Step 2 and shift my focus. Thank you.
Thankyou this has really made me think
Hi gina, great piece, but I seem to be going through something slightly different. My fiancee and i recently quit smoking cigarettes and began vaping about 2 and a half weeks ago, in hopes to save our health. Today my fiancee’s vape was having some issues and did not want to work momentarily. She uttered that she was ready to ask someone for a cigarette. I became very upset at the thought because when we switched over we were so relieved to not be smoking anymore. I expressed my anger instead of being compassionate towards her problem. I realized i should’ve taken a different approach, and now she wont speak to me even after ive admitted my faults and have been reaching out to her. Any advice is appreciated. Thnx.
Hi Amore, often when people try to overcome an addictive behavior like smoking, it can bring out some primal feelings related to survival, shame, fear, disgust, anger. To mend things it’s best to take responsibility for our own behavior. It sounds like you recognize your lack of compassion in that moment of anger. You probably leaned on your fiancee a bit to help you quit smoking cigarettes. The thought of being on your own, or failing because you fiancee might relapse, may have triggered that angry reaction. You might try saying, “I wasn’t very kind when I got angry with you for talking about your feelings about wanting to smoke again. I’m sorry that I made things harder for you. I understand how you might still feel hurt and judged by me. I will work on being more supportive and understanding. Please forgive me.” Good luck!
Hi,
Was quite mad at myself for a 1-letter name omission when purchasing air tickets, followed by an additional $100+ Zuji plus airline fees to correct that.
The negativity also evolves into grumbling to ppl around me.
Read your encounter and advise. Trust it helps to straighten out my thoughts soon.
Hi Adam,
I think we can all relate to that feeling of kicking oneself over a simple mistake. Then the cost involved also can frustrate. Lately I’ve found that it helps to see these simple accidents, mistakes, and stumbles as reminders to slow down, bring our attention to the present moment, and stay humble. It also helps to have a sense of humor about it. Thanks for taking the time to write. Hope you enjoy your trip!
Hi Gina,
Today I left $80 worth of new makeup on a shelf as I was shopping for some new luggage (I’m going on a vacation and was shopping for all of my last minute necessities). By the time I realized and went back, it had been swiped, and no one had turned it in to the store. I was SUPER angry at myself for this careless mistake given that I’m trying not to spend too much before my trip, but your piece helped me focus on the present and plan for the future. I’ve even tried to visualize someone happily discovering my makeup laying around and getting an unexpected surprise, which kind of made me smile. Sometimes we need days where the universe throws us an unexpected break, and I want to believe whoever found it had one of those days afterward. Thanks for this perspective and reminding me to stay grateful, humble, and focused on the present.
Hi Courtney,
Thank you for sharing your story, and for taking the time to comment. I like your comment at the end, and I really agree, that when we do stupid things, and get mad at ourselves, it reminds us to stay “grateful, humble, and focused on the present.” That may be why mistakes and imperfections build character, and help us grow.
Wow thank you so much for these steps I wrote them down on my notebook and your post filled a whole page worth.
Thank you for the help.
Thanks for this, it’s kinda helping me get through making myself look like a total idiot in front of someone I admire because I was irresponsible.
Thank you for this very helpful piece it has helped me change my perspective and feel much better