Anger management begins when we focus on solutions rather than emotional injuries. One of the most frequently asked questions by Manage Anger Daily students is "don't I have a right to be angry?" During the first few weeks of class students dwell on this idea that they are entitled to their anger. Accentuating this "right to be angry" becomes a colossal obstacle to practicing anger management strategies. No matter how diligently students study, they cannot successfully use the techniques as long as they focus on their inalienable "right" to be angry. While it is true that we have a right to be angry, we also have the right to be miserable. Staying angry just keeps us feeling miserable. Staying miserable keeps us angry.

Many of us learned in early childhood that feeling justified for our feelings makes us feel better, at least temporarily. We feel vindicated and supported when someone tells us our anger is justified or that we were treated badly. As children, we act as if the bad treatment were a matter of life and death. "He called me names! She called me a moron!" We feel devastated with a strong desire to inflict injury on our tormenters. This can shape a core belief that anytime we are hurt by comments or the behavior of others, we are justified in letting them have it with our anger. Sometimes our peers encourage our anger with statements like "I wouldn't take that from anyone!" We begin to feel like we have to stand up for ourselves, for our "right to be angry."

Real healing begins when we replace the statement "I have a right to be angry!" with "I can make myself feel better." When we start to think, "what can I do to make myself feel better?" we shift from expressing anger, to anger control. When our goal becomes feeling better we can begin to use anger management skills. As these coping skills are used, a greater range of thoughts and behaviors become available to us. We can calm down and think before we react, improving our communication in the process. When we calm down and do things that provide emotional relief, such as jogging through the park, our mood improves. A happy consequence of a better mood, is a greater sense of self-control and self-esteem. While we do have the "right to be angry" we also have the right to pursue happiness. Which right would you prefer to exercise?

Many times, when we're angry, we hope to gain power over a situation where we feel threatened. If someone is loudly accusing us of something, we shout back more loudly. If someone criticizes us, we criticize him or her more strongly. Unfortunately, in relationships, and in negotiation, we lose power as soon as we lose our temper. The first one to lose their cool in an argument usually loses. When angry, our thinking narrows, our problem solving skills weakens and our blood pressure builds. True personal power comes from emotional control. The ability to feel angry, and yet choose how we will behave, is the essence of self-control, and personal power. The better we become at self-control, the better we feel, and the smoother our conflict resolution skills.

How does one increase personal power? First we have to decide whether we want to win, or whether we want to feel better. If we decide that winning an argument, and convincing the other person we are right is the only solution, we give away our power. We make our serenity dependent on someone else changing. The more dependent we are on other people doing something for us, or changing something for us, the more angry and unhappy we will become. If, on the other hand, we choose to feel better, there are many ways we can calm ourselves, release tension, and regain internal peace and harmony. We take our power back, when we choose to feel better.

Take a moment to make a list of all of the things you can do to create a mild feeling of pleasure or contentment. Some common ways to feel better might include taking a break from an angry argument, physical exercise, write in a journal, play a musical instrument, paint, talk to a friend, take a warm bath, meditate, or read an inspiring book. There are hundreds of activities we can perform which will distract us from a negative mood and provide soothing comfort. When we feel better, we have a chance to resolve the conflict with a clear head because we can think more clearly about solutions.

Switching the focus from self-protection to self-soothing is the first step to personal power, and a key ingredient for successful anger management. Self-soothing gets easier the more we practice it. And it sure feels a lot better than staying angry.

A national study in 1999 reported that the average American child spends about 40 hours per week viewing media (television, movies, video games, etc). Think about the lost potential of children spending the equivalent of a full-time job, passively viewing entertainment. No wonder childhood obesity is considered the fastest growing health problem in America today. Alarmingly, American children consume a toxic dose of media violence. By the time the average American child completes elementary school he or she has seen 8000 murders and over 100,000 other acts of violence on television. These figures are even higher if the child watches cable television or has a videocassette player.

Many researchers have tried to determine why the rate of violent crime in the United States is so high compared with the rate of violence in other industrialized nations. They discovered a link between media violence and real violence. Historically violence in the United States increased dramatically in 1965, when the first generation of television watchers became old enough to start committing violent crime. Studies in several countries show a similar pattern. As television is introduced into a new country, the rate of violent crime increases.

An argument in support of violent media claims that just because there is a link, does not mean that violent media causes violence in the real world. However, in July 2000, six major professional associations signed a joint statement reporting "at this time, well over 1,000 studiesŠpoint overwhelmingly to a causal connection between media violence and aggressive behavior in some children." (American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Family Physicians, and the American Psychiatric Association).

If the evidence linking violent media with violence in the real world is so strong, why isn't it being reported in the news media? A recent Newsweek magazine article even claimed that there was no reliable evidence showing that viewing violent media caused aggression (Newsweek, Dec. 11, 1995). Scientists were told that Newsweek would not publish their rebuttal. The New York Times also refused to print a scientific rebuttal to an op-ed piece criticizing media violence research (American Psychologist, June/July, 2001, page 486). Bushman and Anderson from Iowa State University have outlined a few reasons why the news media have failed to accurately report on the dangers of media violence:

1. Multi-national, multi-media corporations have a huge financial interest in promoting the consumption of violent media around the world, and in suppressing evidence that would discourage people from consuming violent media.
2. Newspapers get a lot of their advertising revenue from the makers of violent media who advertise films and television programs.
3. Print news media may not wish to print controversial stories potentially offensive to their readers, thus losing subscriptions or advertisers.
4. Scientists are not good media spokespersons. They do not produce quick, dramatic sound bites on the 6 o'clock news. Scientists are trained to convey the limitations of their research, to speak in qualified, measured, moderate tones. This style of communicating can appear unconvincing and boring to the average consumer of media. Also, scientists do not typically have the time and money to lobby and promote their findings.
5. Journalists, in their desire to appear objective and fair, may promote contrary views, even those lacking scientific scrutiny, in a misguided attempt to present more than one side of a controversial issue.
6. Those with a financial motivation to suppress information that discourages the consumption of violent media have a lot of money available to hire writers, attorneys, and others to confuse and mislead the public.

What can the average person do about this serious problem? First, get an education about the strong link between violent media and aggression. The American Psychological Association website is a good place to start. Second, limit the content and the time both you and your children consume media. One way to limit this is to set a family rule that for every hour of television watching, or video games, you have to do one hour of exercise or outdoor activity. Third, encourage your children to engage in confidence building activities such as: athletics, art, music, dance, and science, instead of passively viewing entertainment. Fourth, share this information with family and friends. Finally, support legislation that allows consumers access to information about the content of the media, allowing parents to monitor and control what their children watch. We can reduce violence, one child at a time.

Recently I counseled a couple with marital problems in my office. The husband came to session one day with a coffee stain on his shirt. He said "she did it to me again...made me ruin another shirt." Apparently the wife was driving the car and had to stop abruptly causing him to spill coffee on himself. "He doesn't believe in lids," the wife explains. I asked the husband what he expected her to do, pay attention to the road or pay attention to when he was going to take a sip of coffee. If this husband couldn't take responsibility for something as small as spilling coffee on himself, it appeared obvious he was not going to take responsibility for something larger, like a family.

We see over and over again the abdication of responsibility. Parents blaming teachers for their children's poor school performance; smokers blaming tobacco companies for the consequences of a lifetime of smoking; baby boomers blaming an unhappy childhood for everything from drug addiction to failed marriages. The prevailing social climate seems to say "if anything bad happens it's somebody else's fault, and I shouldn't have to pay for it." Blaming others and not taking responsibility is the fuel for anger.

Americans are declaring bankruptcy in alarming proportions despite years of incredible prosperity and low unemployment rates. A recent San Diego Union-Tribune article actually blamed credit card company advertising practices for the increasing amount of debt and low savings habits of Americans today. The article suggested that those declaring bankruptcy were passive victims of villainous credit card companies, rather than people who were irresponsible with someone else's money.

Recently many writers have addressed this issue of the erosion of personal responsibility. Wendy Kaminer provides a witty but scathing critique of the "recovery" movement in I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional. She criticizes the whiny self-indulgence of groups like "Codependent's Anonymous" for dwelling on unmet dependency needs as rationalizations for poor behavior. Dr. Laura Schlesinger's books and radio programs focus on taking responsibility for the moral choices we make. Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People defines responsibility as the "ability to choose your response." He goes on to say that rather than blame circumstances, responsible people make their behavior "a product of their own conscious choice, based on values, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling." Suze Orman, in The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom makes "being responsible to those you love" the fourth step toward financial freedom before "being respectful of yourself and your money." Responsibility to others comes BEFORE self-respect.

Psychologists know that self-esteem is associated with connections to others. Taking responsibility for ourselves, our children, our family, raises our self-esteem, lowers our angry reactivity, and improves our functioning in work and in life. People who fail to take responsibility tend to be angry, blame others for their failures, and maintain low self-esteem. One of the first tasks of anger management is to take responsibility for our feelings, our actions and our reactions to others.

The capacity to accept responsibility is central to maturity, and the key to success in relationships, learning, business, financial matters and even one's physical and mental health. The degree to which we accept our responsibilities to family, community, and country is the degree to which our society is civilized.

At a Christmas party last December I received a humorous calendar entitled "For Women Who Do Too Much". We can all relate to that feeling of "doing too much" particularly when we're late for an appointment, stuck in traffic, or trying to send an important fax just as the machine breaks down. That feeling of "doing too much" contributes to psychological and physiological stress. Stress often provokes angry reactions in ourselves and others, taxing our patience and anger management skills.

Often feelings of stress are related more to how we perceive a situation, than the reality of the situation. If we change our perception of an event, we can change the way we experience the event both physically and psychologically. For example, if we are running late for work and we perceive this event as something which will threaten our employment, ruin our reputation, and cost us a great deal of money we will feel a lot more stress. However if we perceive being late for work as requiring us to leave work a little later to make up the few minutes we were late then our stress level will be lower. Our mood is improved, and we stay calm when we perceive stressful events as temporary events that we can handle. Here are ten terrific tips for stress reduction guaranteed to soothe during the most savage times.

1. Take a walk. Physical activity in an outdoor setting literally changes what we see. Fresh air, increased heart rate, and visual stimulation help reduce stress by releasing endorphins. Endorphins are brain chemicals which relieve pain, and produce feelings of pleasure.
2. Stimulate your senses with something pleasant. Keep a beautiful vacation photo on your desk. Studies show remembering a happy event produces the same positive sensations as experiencing the event. Scented candles, air fresheners or incense create a restful atmosphere. Listen to soothing music, or something which energizes you. Change the stimuli every month or so to keep your senses from becoming habituated to it.
3. Learn to meditate, then DO IT! At the Deepak Chopra Center for Mind Body Medicine they teach Primordial Sound Meditation which produces a deep state of restful awareness. Steve Alper, Ph.D. teaches a form of meditation called "Mindfulness" in San Diego. Yoga classes are offered in most cities in America. Yoga can produce feelings of deep relaxation and serenity.
4. Stretch. Take a break and stretch your muscles. Shoulder rolls, neck rolls, lower back stretches and waist stretches soothe muscles tense from repetitive motion, or a lack of motion.
5. Learn the fine art of leaving things unfinished. A professional writer once told me he would leave a sentence unfinished at the end of each day. When he began writing the next day, he felt like he had already started. People who manage stress well can leave work unfinished, and begin again refreshed.
6. Plan NOT to do everything well. Natasha Josephowitz, Ph.D., once said, "Not everything worth doing is worth doing well". Giving up the need for perfection in everything frees you up for excellence at something.
7. Prioritize. If we don't prioritize we can feel pressure to react to demands immediately. Prioritizing frees us to focus on important things first, letting go of the rest until later.
8. Connect and Commit. People who are resilient to stress are deeply connected emotionally to family, religion, and/or a cause. They commit to caring behaviors which require action over time.
9. Laugh. Humor, in even the most tragic situations, is a wonderful relief. When I worked in a mental health clinic we had a graffiti board where we wrote jokes and drew cartoons. Everyone looked forward to contributing to the office humor. I'll never forget the "Six Mad Moms" cartoon. It inspired "Six Mad Dads", "Six Mad Teens," "Six Mad Jackie Gleasons (to the moon Alice!)", and much more.
10. Balance. Strive for balance between work and play; self-care and relationships with others; activity and rest. We can recover from many stresses when we maintain balance.

Finally, don't get too stressed out about stress. Studies show a little bit of stress is actually good for you. Experiences which are Novel, Interesting, Challenging and Exciting produce healthy stress which enhances immune system functioning. Now that's N.I.C.E.

Another school shooting, here in San Diego County, has reminded us again of our fragility. A 15-year-old boy, barely into puberty, voice changing, identity unformed, has taken a gun and attacked 15 people, killing two students. Media reports suggest he was a normal, happy-go-lucky teen with a good sense of humor who just decided to shoot up his school one morning. The reality is that Charles "Andy" Williams was a "throw away kid". These are children who have been thrown-away, abandoned, ignored, neglected, left unsupervised. Sometimes there is someone there to feed them, and give them a home, but no one really sees them, or talks to them much. Sometimes these kids have to feed themselves, shop for themselves, take care of their needs, with little or no help from a parent or guardian. Frequently these growing adolescents live on fast food, often miss meals, and neglect their nutritional needs, impairing their healthy development. Some turn to substances for comfort, as a substitute for love. A combination of poor nutrition and mind altering drugs can cause impaired reasoning, judgement, and mental or emotional disorders.

In many cases their parents have taught them about "irreconcilable differences". Divorce teaches children that many conflicts cannot be resolved. Children of divorce often receive less love and attention because their parents are overwhelmed, preoccupied, too busy with their own problems. This early education sets the stage for unmanageable anger. If the adults can't get along, can't point out solutions to conflict, can't compromise and sacrifice for their children, then how does the child cope with conflict?

Some divorced parents strive to give extra attention to their children, take them to counseling, in order to lessen the negative effects of divorce on their children. These parents try to minimize the damaging effects of divorce by staying close to each other geographically, keeping the children in the same schools, near their friends and support system. Parents who minimize the changes and losses in their children's lives help them adjust better to the devastation of a divorce.

"Andy" Williams parents apparently divided up the family. Mom got Andy's older brother and dad got Andy. So the boys lost both a parent and a brother. Then, according to news reports, Andy moved to a different state, away from his friends, where he was an outstanding student. He went to at least three different schools in 18 months. These changes predictably would upset even the most stable of teen-agers. A move from the peer group in adolescence is a profoundly pivotal event. Teens begin to define themselves and their values by the peer group. They learn to separate from the parental generation, and define themselves as individuals. Andy lost his peer group. He moved from a small town to the big city. Apparently unprepared emotionally for the cumulative losses of his short life, he began using alcohol and marijuana.

Adolescents have a strong yearning to be understood, to be known and acknowledged. The "throw-away kids" have no reliable adult supervision, spending hours a day without any adults treating them as if they were important. These kids feel numb, like nothing, like garbage, useless, insignificant. A gun can make them feel powerful, important, significant. No one ignores you when you've got a gun. No one finds you insignificant and weak when you're carrying a gun.

Added to the unfortunate mixture of ingredients that made this murderer is a culture which tolerates and glorifies violence. According to news reports, Andy told many friends and at least one adult of his violent plans. Everyone apparently thought he was "just kidding". Talking about killing other people is deviant behavior, and clearly should have been reported to the boy's parent, a school counselor and the Sheriff's department. Violence in entertainment, video games, movies, television, is so commonplace that many of us have become callous and insensitive to it. Films now portray murder as a humorous event. Hit men and murderers are nice, attractive, sexy guys that get the girls.

Andy and his father used to hunt together. He had access to guns, and guns it appears, were a way he and his dad connected. Many of the troubled boys in my teen anger management program have this type of relationship with their dads. I have heard this so many times it has become a cliché. "Dad isn't much of a talker. If I want to talk about my feelings I can talk to my mom, but she's not always around. When I'm at dad's house I can't really talk to my mom because my dad kind of gets mad if I talk too much with my mom. He doesn't want me to be all emotional. He thinks she makes me all emotional. But dad likes it when I'm tough, and he is proud of me when I make a good kill."

If it isn't guns it's paintball. Many of these angry boys go out and play war games with paintball guns. They spend hours shooting at one another. Then they spend hours playing video games like "Grand Theft Auto". The object of this game is to yank people out of their cars, shoot them, steal the car, and run from the police. You win if you kill all of the police and get away with the car, or kill a lot of victims while you escape from the police. For these kids shooting is fun. Andy was reportedly smiling as he shot his victims. The Columbine High School killers laughed and joked as they killed as well.

People who say that media violence does not influence behavior are living in an alternate reality. Our culture is hemorrhaging with violence. Without influences to counter it, without some adults somewhere saying "this is bad and wrong", these teens are left to the influence of a sub-culture of violence, meaninglessness, and loneliness.

Children need to be taught compassion, and non-violence. They need to be taught that they matter. If children aren't taught self-respect, they don't respect others. Recently several teenagers in Carmel Valley attacked elderly Mexican farm workers, shooting them with BB guns, leaving one severely injured. In a news report, a boy who seemed the most remorseful said "I should have left, I shouldn't have stayed". I wonder why he didn't say "I should have stopped them. I should have gotten help". His main concern seemed to be the trouble he was in, not the terror these men suffered. Why wasn't his main concern the welfare of the victims? A lack of empathy or concern for the suffering of others is deviant. Even three year olds will begin to show concern for a fellow child who is crying. We need to demand it in our teens, particularly our boys. Boys are the most vulnerable to this culture of violence, confusing aggression with masculinity, compassion for weakness. We need to teach them the way they should behave, or God help us.

Angry, difficult people challenge us in many ways. Often they are frightening, as their reactions are out of proportion to the event which is infuriating them. If we feel fear, often we respond in anger, almost automatically. Our anger then feeds the fire of the other's anger, and a battle ensues. Often we can diffuse an angry person by responding appropriately and calmly. Here are a few tips for dealing with difficult people.

1. Empathy: even the most disturbed people seem to respond to feeling understood. It is calming to know someone understands how we feel. Ask open ended questions to get the person to describe how they feel. "You seem very upset with me. What can I do to help you in this situation?" Then listen without reacting. People who are allowed to vent their anger verbally eventually calm down.
2. Distraction: Asking the person a question which requires him to think about something else in order to answer can often diffuse anger. "I notice an east coast accent, are you from New York? What's the best thing that ever happened to you while traveling?"
3. Humor: Sometimes cracking a funny joke, or saying something silly and off the wall, can promote laughter and lightness in a stressful situation. "Isn't this the most fun you've ever had in your whole life"?
4. Breathing deeply and slowly: Breath in slowly, to the count of six, hold your breath for six counts then slowly release for six counts. This oxygenates the blood, keeps you from the shallow breathing that comes with anger and fear, and helps to stimulate the cerebral cortex to do some thinking. Your heart rate slows down, and a feeling of calmness emerges, improving your ability to manage stress.
5. Speak quietly and slowly: Have you noticed when you talk to someone with laryngitis you start talking quietly, even whispering? If we control our reactions, and don't yell back, often the other person will begin to quiet down. Unfortunately if the person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol they may not respond to this technique, however it can keep the situation from getting worse.

There are perhaps hundreds of ways of dealing with angry people depending on the situation. Perhaps the most important thing to do is to manage your own fear and anger. We can't put out fire with gasoline. Empathize, breathe, stay quiet, distract yourself or the other person, or use humor to keep cool in hot tempered situations.

While in flight to Seattle I met a woman who told a compelling story. Several years ago, while she was a student at the University of Washington in Seattle, she was approached by an attractive, well dressed, young man. He told her his car had broken down, he was new to the university, and asked "where is the nearest pay phone?" She hesitated for a moment. Something about him bothered her. She knew the nearest pay phone was at the end of a row of buildings which bordered the forest. Pointing to the location of the phone she said "it's at the end of that row of buildings" and turned to leave. The young man appeared irritated and asked her to walk him to the phone , at which point she felt what she described as an "urgent need to get away from him". She said "no", then left. A few days later she saw him get on the bus she was riding. He tried to ask her for help again, but she got off at the nearest stop, blocks away from her home, again feeling unsafe in his presence. And once again, while eating in a local restaurant, the young man approached her, and she left abruptly. More than a year later she saw his face again, only this time he was on the news. The attractive, but overly insistent young man was serial killer Ted Bundy.

Many of us can remember times when we felt something strongly, but couldn't consciously explain why we feared someone, or disliked a person. We now know that the amygdala region of our brain, the part of our brain which evaluated threat, processes information twice as fast as the neocortex region of the brain, which regulates conscious thought. Often we can find conscious reasons later for our first impression. In the case of my travel partner, she realized later that it was odd that Ted Bundy claimed to be a new student, yet he wasn't carrying any books. She found it unusual that he insisted on her help, rather than asking any of the hundreds of other students there. His irritation that she would not accompany him was inappropriate. Often we find that the first impression we have of someone is the most accurate. We can get into trouble when we ignore our intuition and only rely on rational reasoning. I highly recommend the Gavin De Becker book The Gift of Fear. It is a book full of recommendations about hiring and firing people safely, and includes ways to analyze your first impression of someone. It will help you respect your intuition and stay safe.

Once again in the news we read of another bloody massacre perpetrated by children. This time the shocking fact is that the killers are at the tender ages of 11 and 13. We ask ourselves as a society, how and why do these things happen, and what can we do about them?

While the media would like us to believe that these children were normal one day and snapped the next, the reality is far more disturbing. Usually one finds years of denial and minimization of disturbing conduct before a young person commits murder. Teachers, friends, parents and relatives all avoid doing anything constructive about disturbing thinking and behavior until it's too late. Children who kill most frequently come from severe neglect and abuse. Many see killing as a way to get control and power over others. For some there is a hunger to simply be seen, recognized or noticed. Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence says there are seven key abilities which are the most important for humans to acquire: The ability to motivate ourselves, to persist against frustration, to delay gratification, to regulate moods, to hope, to empathize, and to control impulse. Children and adults who commit cold blooded murder often lack all of these characteristics. Obviously, a lack of motivation, hope, impulse control, etc., shows up in a child's behavior long before a gun is used.

What can we do? The answer is, we can do a lot. Psychotherapists, often daily, prevent homicides. When a young person with homicidal ideation gets into therapy, often the therapist is the first person to truly listen, understand, and acknowledge how hopeless, out-of-control and alone he or she feels. I hear from these people that sometimes what someone said to them in the supermarket, or at school, or on the beach, gave them a reason either to be violent or to be kind. Sometimes the kind words of a stranger can give a child hope to hang onto for years.

I once treated a victim of child abuse who told me a poignant story. One time at a restaurant with her parents, aunts, and grandparents, while listening to the usual barrage of verbal abuse from the family "you stupid, ugly, worthless, useless, good-for-nothing..." she noticed a kind looking woman at the next table who looked at her and smiled. The little girl felt embarrassed that this woman could obviously hear all of the hateful words coming from her relatives. Yet, strangely, even though her parents were talking about how terrible she was, this kind woman continued to smile at her. What happened next gave her the most incredible feeling of joy and relief. This kind stranger, as she was leaving the restaurant, approached the little girl at her table. She wore the same relaxed smile, which meant so much to the little girl. The woman lowered herself to eye level with the little girl and said "you are the most polite, well-behaved, beautiful little girl I have ever seen. Your good manners should make your parents very proud. You should be very proud of yourself to." Then this woman shook the little girl's hand, smiled at her chagrined family and left. The little girl was seven years old when this happened. When I saw her she was 23 and that one event changed her life. She realized with the help of this kind stranger, that she had worth, and that there was something very wrong with her family. This kind woman gave her hope. Our rudeness and hostility can be a trigger for someone walking on the edge between sanity and madness. In contrast, our kindness, attention and positive action can save lives. Let's pay attention to the children around us. We can and do make a difference.