Ever have one of those days when everything seems to go wrong? Recently I returned from vacation to find our refrigerator had died a horrible death.  Greeted by the lovely aroma of decomposing food, our plans to unpack and relax promptly self-destructed.  After filling three large bags with waste from the refrigerator and burying them in the trash bin, we researched refrigerators online and collapsed into bed after 1 am.  The next day I added refrigerator shopping to the usual post-vacation task avalanche.   I helped my daughter with back to school jitters, raced from the school to three stores to look at refrigerators, raced to pick up daughter, and get her to a piano lesson.  Running late I stopped at the house to quickly use the bathroom and grab the checkbook.  Wheeling around as I pulled up my pants and hit the flush, I watched my only remaining car key disappear down the toilet drain.  “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” 

Of course the key has a computer chip requiring a full day at the dealership for reprogramming.  (Our spare key was lost a few years earlier when our sons drove the car).  This mistake of mine cost several hundred dollars.  (I know you engineers out there could fix this quite easily for little cost.  Please take pity on my ignorance.)

I thought of the scene in the movie “Liar, Liar” when Jim Carrey kicks his own butt in a restroom.  I stomped about for a few moments sounding like an old Ren and Stimpy cartoon, “YOU IDIOT!”  Yes I felt like a moron over this stupid, expensive mishap.  Sometimes we feel sick about really big mistakes.  One man I worked with faced the horror of killing someone in a drunk driving accident.  His rage at himself turned into a paralyzing depression.  Another woman felt a stomach churning self-disgust after cheating on her loving husband.  She wondered how she could go on living with herself after this life altering misadventure.

Self-anger can morph into self-loathing, a poisonous way of thinking that can fuel mental illness.  When self-anger festers into the infection of self-loathing, several negative outcomes follow:

• Difficulty giving and receiving love from others.
• Lack of motivation to achieve.
• Inability to enjoy normal pleasures of life.
• Self-destructive behaviors.

Famous psychiatrist Theodore Isaac Rubin wrote an excellent book called Compassion and Self-Hate.  In it he talks about the conflict between our real self, with all our strengths, faults and insecurities, and our ideal self; successful, attractive, kind and perfect.  Self-hatred, the most damaging form of self-anger, occurs when we feel it’s impossible to act ideally, and we give up on the value of our real self.  Healthy self-esteem occurs when we see ourselves clearly enough to know our strengths and weaknesses and still find value in our real self.  Our ideals point the way to what we wish to achieve, but when we fall short we quickly learn from it and move on.

If you worry your self-anger lingers too long or has become self-hatred, treatment for depression and low self-esteem can really help.  Psychologists and other mental health providers will help you identify how your thinking may be exaggerated, or distorted.  Perhaps you magnify your faults, while ignoring your strengths.  The doctor can give you behavioral and thinking exercises to get you moving toward healthier self-esteem.  In the mean time you can try a simple method we developed.  It’s called the FIVE-S method, for kicking unhealthy anger at yourself or others.

1.  Stop:  Stop thinking about yourself, how you feel, what you’ve done.

2.  Shift:  Shift your focus to the present moment.  Ask yourself, “what can I do right now to make things better?”

3.  Set a Goal:  What outcome do you wish to achieve?

4.  Strategize:  What are some ways to achieve that goal?

5.  Start:  Begin action toward achieving your goal.

The FIVE-S method works by pulling you out of the self-absorption.   Songwriter Sarah McLaughlin calls it, “that sweet madness that glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.”  Join the human race.  We are all a family of messy, imperfect, smelly creatures who occasionally do something wondrous and beautiful.  Philosopher Michael Polanyi says we are moral beings grafted onto bestiality.  We’re animals with some kind of capacity for self-examination.  We can learn.  Even I learned never to go into a bathroom with keys in my pocket.

“What’s wrong with my brain?” Michael asked.  A high level manager with a great career, Michael feared his anger outbursts at work might cost him his job.  “Why can’t I just put up with crap and not react?” he wondered.  Michael learned what happened to his brain and body when he became angry.  When we get mad the brain responds in a lop-sided  way, with the left front of the brain more active than the right side of the brain.  Other changes include increased heart rate and physical tension.  Testosterone levels increase and the stress chemical cortisol actually DECREASES during early anger.  Intense anger damages the arteries while long term anger increases the stress chemical cortisol.  If we keep dosing our brains and bodies with cortisol it can cause premature aging and structural changes in the brain.

When flight attendant, Steven Slater, went ballistic this week, many cheered his angry rant.  Slater, apparently fed up with an uncooperative passenger, cursed over the loud speaker, grabbed two beers, deployed an emergency slide, and fled.  Arrested later while having sex at his home, (probably due to that raised testosterone level), Slater became an instant celebrity.  Fans started at least two Facebook pages in his honor.  One has over 143,000 fans at this posting.  Comedian Jimmy Fallon wrote a song called “The Ballad of Steven Slater” with a refrain suggesting we “get two beers and jump.”   Anyone who serves the public faces hostility, cruelty, threats, assault and other outrageous behavior.  Sometimes it’s fun to imagine retaliating, walking away, with your head held high.

I’m sure Steven Slater has already been interviewed for a new reality show called “Take This Job and Shove It.“  Before we celebrate his histrionics lets think about the effects of this brash act on others:

• Fellow flight attendants had to finish the flight without his help, waste their valuable time answering questions, and manage the problem passenger he left behind.
• Ground crew members were put in danger when he deployed the slide with 3000 pounds of pressure.  They were also inconvenienced and had extra work to replace the slide and maneuver around it to get passengers out.
• The airline supervisors had to investigate, prepare reports, deal with law enforcement, and determine  personnel needs.
• Friends and family of Slater might feel worried and/or burdened by his pending legal and financial troubles.

While Slater might be enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame and felonies his brain most likely was simmering a stew of toxic chemicals for far longer.  Excessive anger and stress increase adrenaline and cortisol.  This increases blood sugar and risk of insulin resistance and can lead to diabetes and heart disease (John Arden, Ph.D.)  .  Over time the natural killer cells of your immune system become depleted, leaving you more prone to a host of illnesses.   As if getting physically sick wasn’t bad enough, chronic anger leads to shrinkage of the hippocampus damaging memory and narrowing attention.

You can repair your angry brain with:

• Exercise:  If you exercise 2 to 3 times a week you will feel less depressed, angry, stressed and cynical.  Your brain gets more oxygen and nutrients to repair the damage caused by stress.
• Sleep:  Those who get enough sleep get angry less,  and have more patience and resilience.  Avoid computers and TV’s before bed if you have trouble falling asleep.  The light from the screens fools your brain into thinking it’s daylight, and you don’t produce enough melatonin to get you drowsy.
• Eat:  Don’t skip meals, especially breakfast.  Eat a vegetable or fruit, a complex carbohydrate (like whole wheat bread), and a protein at every meal.  Eat something nutritious every 4 hours.  This keeps your mood stable, and fuels your brain to stay in control.
• Love:  Socialize and connect with people you enjoy.  Loving and caring about others helps the brain grow and repair itself.  A healthy social life reduces stress, releases hormones that produce a feeling of serenity, and increases our resilience.

Say you stay up late watching Steven Slater’s Fan base grow, skip breakfast, race to work honking at slow moving traffic, consume caffeine and sugar, race home and pick up fast food, while ignoring your friend’s text because you’re too tired and hungry to talk….STOP.  Don’t “get two beers and jump.”  Instead, exercise, sleep, eat and love.  Your brain will love you back.

Numerous studies show that dog owners obtain health benefits those without pets can only envy.  Dog owners have better cholesterol levels, improved immune systems, lower blood pressure, and reduced risk of heart attacks.  Some dogs can detect the onset of seizures and sniff out a hypoglycemic attack.  We all see service dogs helping the blind and those with other physical limitations.  Dog owners get more exercise than those without pets.  Who can resist a panting pup leaping and tail wagging for a chance to go outside and play!

Teens with anger management problems showed improved mood and had more positive outcomes when dogs were included in group therapy.  Children raised with pets learn more pro-social behaviors like helping others, empathy and responsibility.  Dogs help children with autism relate with others and communicate better.  Kids exposed to pets in the first year of life have fewer allergies and are less likely to develop asthma.  Seniors who own pets attend 21% fewer physician visits than non-dog owners and they show better social and health outcomes.

Dog ownership reduces loneliness, an anger trigger for some people.  Those who are able to bond emotionally with a pet are less likely to behave cruelly toward a person.  Cruelty to animals highly correlates with violent behavior toward people.  Those who abuse animals are more likely to suffer from psychological disorders and commit other crimes including rape and property crimes.

Of course pet ownership brings many frustrating moments.  They make messes,  bark loudly, and make embarrassing grabs at the legs of our guests.  Dogs, like children, need us to teach them how to behave.  I recommend the site Love Your Dog for great dog training tips and videos. Even if you’re more of a dog yeller than a dog whisperer, you can still enjoy the anger reduction benefits of dog ownership.   Benefits include:

• Reduced stress
• Enhanced joy
• Increased exercise
• Reduced feelings of loneliness
• Improved mood
• Lower heart rate and blood pressure

As I grumble about cleaning up my senior Golden Retriever’s mess on the carpet, I look into her sweet, cataract-coated eyes and smile.  She looks embarrassed about her accident.  After all she’s an old girl, far too mature for peeing in the house.  The thyroid medicine she’s on disrupts her system.  I’ve scheduled another visit to the vet for more tests.  I sit down to read a book.  She plops her head on my lap.  We make eye-contact again.  As I pet her velvety fur I feel warm, relaxed and comforted.

If you wish to obtain the benefits of dog ownership consider a local animal shelter or pet rescue center.  Best Friends Animal Sanctuary does great work.  They rescued thousands of animals after the Hurricane Katrina disaster, documented in the wonderful book Pawprints of Katrina.  Furry critters remind us to slow down to the pace of nature.  Rescue a pup’s life and you might save your own.

In this seventh month, on the seventeenth day it seems appropriate to take the Problogger 7 link challenge.  It’s a good  time to review old posts and share some highlights of our work over the last few years.  Here are 7 links that fit into seven themes picked by Problogger’s Darren Rowse.

1.  Your first post: Our first was titled Trust Your Intuition.  It was reprinted from an old paper snail mail newsletter we used to publish in the late 1990′s.  Our first few posts on our blog came from reworked newsletter articles from that period.

2.  A post you enjoyed writing the most: My husband, Jay Schneider, wrote the post Lessons From Woodstock and I edited it.  I really enjoyed reviewing youtube videos of some favorite musicians from the 1960′s, like Richie Havens.  It was fun to read about the lives of some of these fascinating characters.  I think the post teaches some important lessons about peaceful cooperation that are timeless and relevant.

3.  A post which had a great discussion: Many people had strong feelings about The Pitfalls of Positive Thinking. It showed some of the limitations of thinking positive while denying problem areas in life.  I appreciated the thoughtful comments and interesting exchanges.

4.  A post on someone else’s blog that you wish you’d written: I love reading Steven Handel’s blog, The emotion machine.  I wish I’d written his post How to create your own self hypnosis audio. What a practical and fun exercise in self-help!  He’s a wonderful writer and is younger than my two sons.  Amazing!

5.  A post with a title you’re proud of: I like my title Praise for the Angry Hero. I think it speaks to the need for more heros and more people who channel anger into helpful, pro-social behavior.  I enjoyed researching people I admire who have sublimated their anger into a great force for good in the world.

6.  A post that you wish more people had read: During the healthcare reform debate I wrote a post called Political Anger and the Healthcare Reform Debate. I felt concerned that the very important topic of healthcare reform would be buried in sound bites of raving, maniacal partisan shills.  I still wish more people would read the post which shares how extreme positions limit our ability to solve complex problems.

7. Your most visited post ever: We still get lots of readers for our post The Power of the Middle Finger. Perhaps the combination of  our fascination with power and our interest in flipping people off makes this a popular post.  I’m not sure the message I intended came across as effectively as I would have liked.  The most important message in that post is that when we flip off other people we increase our own hostility toward others.  We feel more hostile when we act in a  hostile way.  Of course in addition to feeling more anger we get others to feel more angry too.  Not the best use of our power to influence others.

I hope you enjoyed our 7 link challenge response.  Let me know which blogs you enjoy and which of our posts you liked the best.

Recently a family came into my counseling practice with a problem.  Mom and stepdad got along great until the stepchildren arrived.  The two kids were on a 5 days on, 5 days off schedule of shared parenting.  Stepdad found the additional noise, mess and rambunctiousness unacceptable to his serenity.  Stepdad threatened mom, “you and your brats are out of my house if you can’t get them to behave.”   Now the mom’s got a heap of worry.  She moved into the house he owned prior to their marriage.  If her kids misbehave she could find herself looking for a new place to live.  No wonder stepfamilies explode in anger.  Now I don’t know about you, but if I had to behave perfectly in the privacy of my own home all the time I’m not sure I could do it, even for a reality T.V. show.

Whether your family is step, blended, purreed or whipped, it’s bound to enjoy an above average amount of worry compared to traditional family types.  Stepfamily members worry or feel anxious when they:

• Fear the relationship won’t last.
• Dislike the stepchildren.
• Feel not accepted by inlaws and friends.
• Face continued litigation with ex-spouses.
• See their child’s dislike of the stepparent.

Stepfamily happiness depends on managing this anxiety in healthy ways.  Many families today have no real commitment to one another.  People cohabitate in trial marriages with hope it will all work out and they can get married.  Others get married but know they can get out of it like they did with the previous marriage.  Think about the idea of climbing Mount Everest.  If you approach this mountain with the idea “lets see how far I can get” you might slog up a bit of hill, but quickly turn back when it gets too tough.  In contrast, if you approach Mount Everest with the commitment that you must climb to the peak, you will put tremendous energy into planning, training, expert advice, equipment and more.  Commitment changes everything.  Close all the exit doors, make a commitment to all members of the family.  I repeat ALL members of the family, including inlaws and ex-spouses.  Yes ex-spouses, the biological parents of the cherubs you live with are now part of YOUR family.  If this knowledge makes you scrunch up your face and say “ick!” join the club of stepfamilies that don’t work.  Your ex-spouses new husband’s child’s flu virus will eventually make its way into your little castle.  All of you connect in a interlocking web of family relationships.  The sooner you accept this the more quickly you can work on developing family harmony.

Once you’ve made a real commitment to the family the rest of these suggestions will prove easier to perform.

• Create stable routines and traditions:  Include the whole  family.  If your wife’s kids always play baseball on the fourth of July, include that in your family tradition.  If you always had a barbeque, light up the grill after the game.
• Give positive attention and appreciation:  Get to know your stepkids by observing and listening.  Show appreciation for small kindnesses.
• Accept family differences:  Treat everyone respectfully.  If you’re neat and they’re sloppy, point out the good qualities, don’t just criticize.
• Express caring even if you don’t like the child:  Feelings follow behavior.  Caring for children you don’t like can change how you feel about them.  Plus you will feel better about yourself if you helped your spouse be the best possible parent to his or her children.

If you contemplate marrying someone with children ask yourself the following:

• Can I commit emotionally, financially and behaviorally to these children for the rest of my life?
• Can I consider the ex a member of my family?
• Am I willing to compromise some of how I want to live for the sake of family harmony?

If you can’t answer yes to all three I suggest you run away from this relationship as fast as you can.  Do something easier.  Climb Mount Everest.

Stress levels in adults soared, with 42 percent saying their stress worsened in the past year. A survey of eight metropolitan cities, Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Los Angeles, New York, Seattle and Washington, D.C. found that Denver fared the worst. More than 75 percent reported work and money are major sources of stress. People feel trapped due to lay-offs, pay cuts, heavier work loads and health insurance concerns. When you feel a lack of control over your own life, the body can take a hit. Some symptoms of stress include:

• headaches
• sleep problems
• gastro-intestinal disturbances
• irritability
• substance abuse
• hypertension
• heart disease

If you feel like anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac, then you’re too stressed (thank you George Carlin for that one).  If you drive to work, get out, lock the car and discover your coffee mug on the roof of your car, then you’re too stressed.  If your friend asks you “how are the kids?” and you reply “what kids?” then you’re too stressed.  You might assume you will feel less tense if you can change some circumstance of your life.  You expect to feel relieved if you:

• Can get a job.
• Can save money.
• See the economy improve.
• Get health coverage.
• Have more time to relax.

Unfortunately the world does not rotate according to our personal needs.  It’s healthy to learn to generate a feeling of calm within yourself, no matter what happens outside of your sphere of influence.  You might think “it’s impossible to feel calm with so many stress0rs in my life.”  Amazingly, you can learn to produce a feeling of calm within yourself with little effort in a few minutes.  I’ll share one simple technique with you.  This comes from Buddhist monk and peace advocate, Thich Nhat Hanh (tik not hahn). It’s called Wonderful Moment.

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.

Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

Breathing in, I notice that my in-breath has become deeper.

Breathing out, I notice that my out-breath has become slower.

Breathing in, I calm myself.

Breathing out, I feel at ease.

Breathing in, I smile.

Breathing out, I release.

Breathing in, I dwell in the present moment.

Breathing out, I feel it is a wonderful moment.

This simple brief  exercise in mindfulness carries within it some serious scientific credibility.  First it focuses our attention on our breath.  Breathing in, breathing out.  Breathing is primary nourishment for the mind and body.  Next, we think of the words deep and slow. When we breathe deeply we oxygenate our blood, providing needed fuel to help the brain process more efficiently and effectively.  When we think of slow we reduce the speed of our racing thoughts that drive worry.  Next we focus on the words calm and ease. We focus our attention on the possibility that in this moment we can feel calm and ease.  This sends a message from the brain to the body to relax, reduce the blood pressure and restrictions creating tension in the body.  The word smile triggers the face to smile, releasing natural opiates that reduce pain and increase well-being.  The word release sends the message to let go of the tension the body holds onto like a gripping fist.  With each breath, release tension and worry.  The words present moment remind us that life only truly exists for us in this present moment.  To feel fully alive we must return to the immediate moment.  Finally, the words wonderful moment alert us to the promise of wonder and joy in every instant.  Easy and effortless.

In the words of the great Carole King and Gerry Goffin in their song Up on the Roof:

When this old world starts getting me down

And people are just to much for me to face.

I climb way up to the top of the stairs

And all my cares just drift right into space.

The great thing about the Wonderful Moment exercise is you don’t even have to climb any stairs to let those cares drift into space.  Breathing in, Breathing out, deep, slow, calm, ease, smile, release, present moment, wonderful moment.

In the iconic 1967 film, Cool Hand Luke, Paul Newman delivers the classic line, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”  Since then the line appears in movies, songs and the daily lives of humans everywhere.  Some communication failures can be kind of cute.  When my daughter was three she loved the song “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer because she thought it was about salsa, one of her favorite foods.  Lounge and karaoke singers have fun with misunderstood song lyrics.  The Knack’s “My Sharona” becomes “Mice Aroma.” Led Zeppelin’s “All of My Love” sounds like “Olive, My Love,”  (Popeye’s favorite song). While examples of mangled language can be fun to share, (see the New York Times Malapropism contest), communication failures in the real world can create serious problems.  Misunderstandings leave hurt feelings, cause manufacturing delays, and consume valuable time.  Effective managers create clear policies for communication in the digital age like those recommended by Brian Sloboda.   Fortune 500 companies offer communication skills training to prevent costly human errors, yet human resource managers still spend copious hours in meetings trying to sort out the chaos.

Most of us assume that if we speak clearly we should be understood easily.  Unfortunately we find ourselves too often surprised  when our colleagues, superiors, spouses and children don’t get the message.  Frustrated and exasperated communicators sometimes end up in anger management class for shouting and other hostile behaviors.

To communicate better, expect misunderstandings.  Just assume, no matter how clearly you deliver your message, the receiver won’t get it.  Then do the following:

• Ask for feedback.  “What dates did you hear me request for vacation?”
• Clarify the other person’s point.  “I heard you say that June was the best month for me to take my vacation.  Therefore I plan to take June 9, 2010 through June 16, 2010 for my vacation.”
• Follow up with a written note or email.  “As we discussed, I plan to take June 9, 2010, through June 16, 2010,  for vacation.”

Every communication medium has it’s limitations.  Email, twitter, facebook, voice mail and face to face discussions pose different obstacles to mutual understanding.  You accidentally delete calls from your voice mail or email, miss messages on facebook or misinterpret facial expressions and gestures during face to face meetings.  Many patients enter our offices with their Blackberry Storms and Droids.  They share dreary digital dramas replete with emoticons and typos.  While distortions in cyberspace can disrupt our personal life, they can twist our work relationships into a crooked mess.  We want speedy replies to all our communication, but get overwhelmed and irritated when our inbox mushrooms.

When we feel overwhelmed we’re likely to get irritated when an employee or colleague requests clarification.  Siemens Communications commissioned a study and found intrusive communication overload causes Stress, Anger and Distraction (SAD).  This overload of digital communication, with its expectation of speed, plays an increasing role in workplace misunderstandings and conflicts. To reduce SAD in your business and personal life try the following:

• Create sacred time at home where all communication devices stay in the off or mute mode.  Have real face to face conversations with your family or friends.
• Prioritize your digital media and go through the top priority first.  If you need an email response to proceed with your work, go through emails first.  Expecting an important call? Check voice mail first.
• Set aside time at work where you will not call, email, text or tweet.   Take a break to eat lunch and take a short walk. You will reduce stress, clear your head, and perform more productively.

So if you find yourself “misunderestimating“ a communication, or you feel “held hostile” by someones false impression, don’t worry about “plummeting to the top.“  You’ll get there.

John got to work a little earlier so he could finish his report at a research institution before the rest of the staff arrived.  As he entered the windowed office he was surprised to see two colleagues leave his work station.  He touched his computer.  It felt warm.  He booted it up and on the screen appeared violent pornography.  John looked up from his desk.  The two colleagues remained silent, staring at their computer screens.  “What the hell!” John exclaimed.

The next day he arrived early again.  This time his computer felt cold.  He entered his password and nothing.  “Damn,” he said.  “They changed my password.”  Over an 18 month period John’s tires were slashed, files from his computer were deleted or changed, a colleague was given credit for his research, memos about meetings were emailed to him with a different time than the rest of the group.  John, a victim of mobbing, eventually left on stress disability with severe symptoms of anxiety.

John’s troubles began when his supervisor started coming to work drunk.  He talk to the supervisor, recommended counseling or AA and offered sympathy.  Mike, the supervisor, enjoyed happy hours with the rest of the staff.  John became the joke of the happy hour fun.   Soon they would all giggle about the latest trick they could play on the boring, do-gooder John.

Depending on how researchers define it, between 18% and 70% of the U.S. workforce has experienced some form of workplace mobbing or bullying.  Some researchers use the terms bullying and mobbing interchangeably and others define the terms differently.  I think mobbing is different from bullying due to differences in the characteristics of the victim and the abuser.  Most of us are familiar with the school yard bully.  This tough guy usually picks on the weak or weird kid and may have a group of thugs who participate with him.  Mobbing victims in the workplace tend to be strong, creative and envied by the perpetrators.  The mobbing behavior targets victims who often have great value to the organization, but pose some threat to the mob boss(es).  With intimidation, threats, exclusion and humiliation, the mob neutralizes the competency of the victim.  Victims develop anxiety, insomnia, poor concentration, gastro-intestinal problems and heart disease.

Mobbing and bullying thrive in a leadership vacuum.  Weak, corrupt, overworked or incompetent management form fertile ground for dysfunctional mobs to grow.  If you think your workplace has a mobbing problem contact us.  If senior management provides training, conflict resolution, discipline and sets a zero tolerance policy for this behavior, the workplace can recover.

If you believe mobbing is happening in your workplace, act quickly.  Many people wait, hoping it will stop, or won’t get any worse.  Unfortunately mobbing usually gets worse over time unless someone intervenes to stop it.  If you see your work group excluding someone, using gossip or jokes to single someone out, say something like, “I don’t think any of us would like to be talked about that way,” or “hey, that’s not cool.  We have to invite everyone.”  Edmund Burke famously said, “The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” Often, all it takes is one individual to stand up for what’s right to stop what Phillip Zimbardo, Ph.D. calls “the Lucifer Effect.”  Dr. Zimbardo offers some great advice on how to resist the social pressure that can make good people do very bad things.

Many victims feel embarrassed talking about the humiliating treatment they receive at work.  Some have told me they fear being seen as petty, or paranoid.  One woman wondered if she was getting paranoid when she began to worry that her tormentors could follow her home and hurt her family.  If you believe you are a victim of mobbing here are a few suggestions to help you stay healthy and fight back:

• Keep a detailed, dated record of all harassment.  Some, but not all mobbing behavior is illegal.  Detailed records can help you protect yourself and your interests.
• Talk with family, friends and trusted work colleagues to develop a plan to attack the problem.
• Report the problem to your H.R. department.
• Make an appointment with your employee assistance professional.
• If you suffer from stress symptoms like insomnia and gastro-intestinal complaints see your medical doctor.
• Get a referral from your M.D. or insurance company for a competent counselor.  This can prevent the development of more serious symptoms and provide another ally in your fight.
• Practice daily stress management including:  exercise, meditation, healthy eating and social relationships.
• Avoid forming or joining an opposing mob.  In basketball the retaliatory foul is usually the one that gets called (Thank you Jay Schneider for that observation).  Don’t try to solve a problem by using the same corrupt tactics.  It leaves you even more vulnerable.

If race, age, gender or other title VII protections are at issue, you may have some legal muscle.  Whistleblower laws might apply as well.  However, many mobbing cases fall between the cracks of legal and personnel policy protection.  In that case you can still demand better treatment.  Get help, practice stress management, develop a plan and don’t give up.

“What ticks you off?” we asked a recent group of managers and employees at a large corporate training.  One smiling woman vigorously raised her hand and proceeded to tell a story.  “I could not believe it!  I was at the deli to get some fresh olives when I saw a man reach his bare hands into the bin and start scarfing them down as he walked around the market!”  All of us empathized with how disgusted she must have felt.  “That’s a real appetite killer,” I said. Many workshop participants had similar stories of outrage and irritation.  A dignified man took umbrage to drivers who continue to use their cell phones.  Another kind looking woman reported she was almost hit by a driver as she crossed the street that morning.  “He was on his cell phone whipping around the corner and could have killed me!” she lamented.

In any room full of people we can churn up stories of offensive behavior.  We chime in with “that’s terrible” when we hear stories that trigger our anger and outrage.  Some people remain angry for days, weeks, months and even years.  Most of us become irritated when things do not go as we planned.  Our flight gets delayed or the secretary calls in sick and our boat gets rocked. Someone or something blocks our progress, disappoints or changes our world, and we fume.  In the workplace these outrages and indignities can fester, leading to stress claims, lowered productivity and even violence.

When our company enters a workplace to provide conflict resolution or anger management trainings, we find that most of the people we meet are kind, good and well meaning.  Yet many express their distress about office conflicts they find difficult to resolve.  Participants practice the role plays, take lots of notes, and laugh a lot.  Everyone seems to get the concepts until we get to the hard part.  The toughest part, the part most difficult to learn, and the thing most essential to conflict resolution–compassion.

Compassion–that word on I.Q. tests that even smart people have trouble defining.  Most people know it has something to do with caring about others.  We like to receive it but have trouble dishing it out.  This largely has to do with what psychology calls “the fundamental attribution error.”  We see our own failings and mistakes as situational.  “I didn’t get enough sleep last night so I forgot to bring the checkbook.”  But we see the failings and mistakes of others as signs of poor character.  That driver isn’t just in a hurry he’s “a maniac.”  We give ourselves a pass for wrongdoing but hold others accountable to a different standard.

Thomas Merton said, “compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things.”  We see ourselves as separate and distant from the rude olive thief or the careless driver.  That emotional distance allows us to judge them as bad and different from us.  When we label them bad we don’t have to care or understand or even see them clearly.  It’s easy to stay angry, justifying our outrage with more examples of their imperfection.  We handicap our ability to resolve interpersonal conflict with so much social distance.  Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, writes, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”   We increase our skill with people when we attempt to understand them better, listen more, and judge less.

Children of abusive parents are less likely to be abused if they show empathy for their abuser.  Children with high levels of empathy tend to be well liked and popular in school.  Police officers armed with empathy handle violent people far more effectively than those merely armed with a gun.  The founder of Nonviolent Communication, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg teaches you to express how you feel in a conflict without criticizing or blaming.  He also teaches  you how to receive information from others about how you are to them without collapsing into hearing blame and criticism.

When we get over ourselves, our amazing need to be right, we can make room for another’s view point.   Perhaps that olive thief is homeless, and hasn’t eaten for days.  Maybe he never learned manners, grew up on the streets, with no love.  Perhaps that driver on the cell phone is trying to help her lost child, or that speeding man has a wife in labor.   This greater understanding gives us information to resolve conflict, forgive, understand and feel happier.  It widens our view of the world and humanity.  It makes us smarter.

Chelsea King, 17, went for a jog after school last Thursday.  Her body was found Tuesday in a shallow grave a half mile from her car.  Chelsea was a straight A student, an athlete and a musician in the prestigious San Diego Youth Symphony. Beloved by many for her charming personality, Chelsea held the promise of the best of our youth.  This month and next Chelsea’s parents will receive her college acceptance letters in the mail.  The sickening loss of her life made even more disturbing by the loss of her contribution to our world.

Amber Dubois, 14, missing since February of 2009, still haunts investigators searching for leads in her disappearance.  Amber’s mother aided in the search for Chelsea King.  These parents, united in the love for their children, pulled together with the community to help find Chelsea.  According to the National Center For Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) most non-family abductions of children happen in the after school hours between 2 pm and 7 pm.  74% of the victims are girls ages 10 to 14.

Many of us feel a smoldering rage toward perpetrators of crimes against children.  Comments on blogs and internet news sites describe homicidal fury towards these predators.  When faced with the senselessness and brutality of these crimes against the innocent, it is easy to succumb to blind hatred.  We feel helpless to find or save these precious children.  That feeling of helplessness can kick us into anger as a biological defense mechanism.  Some slip into depression.  Many adult victims of child abuse feel traumatized all over again when they hear stories about new victims.

Chelsea King’s grieving friends and family will not likely feel helped by vigilante anger.  The surviving children in our homes and communities will not feel safe and secure when faced with raging adults spewing bile, no matter how justified the feeling.  Friends of Chelsea reported some healing from the candlelight vigil held for her last night in front of a church.  The power of groups of people coming together to support, grieve and repair is stronger than the force of rage.  There may be predators among us, but they can never conquer the power of thousands of people pulled together for the love of a child.

Lone joggers in the hills have been attacked and killed by mountain lions.  Human predators with the moral compass of a slime mold sometimes do the same.  Threat assessment expert Gavin de Becker wrote Protecting The Gift, a brilliant book to help parents keep their children safe from these predators.  He writes about what he calls the “wild brain” or that animal part of us that tells us when we’re in danger.  If something doesn’t feel right, pay attention.  Is someone looking at you or your child in a strange way?  Listen to that voice inside.  If your child feels uncomfortable with a priest or a teacher or a neighbor, listen to that voice.  Don’t force your child to hug Uncle Ernie or Grandpa Bob when she doesn’t want to.  Let your child respect her own physical boundaries.  That way she’ll know to trust that creepy sensation inside,  while feeling emboldened to protect herself.

Our love and prayers go out to Chelsea King’s family and friends.  Chelsea, may you rest in peace.  In your life you inspired many.  In your death you have brought attention to all missing and exploited children who need our love and protection.