Pissed-Off About Happiness
By Gina Simmons, Ph.D.
“I hate happy people,” said Mark, a former anger management client. “I just want to punch them in the face.” Mark wore his unhappiness with a hostile chip on his shoulder. Unable to appreciate the joy in others, even the sweet innocence of a baby’s laughter, he consumed himself with bitter envy.
Another client, Sandy, spit out her words like bullets while talking about a visit to her wealthy friends home. “She has the car.garden.house.husband.pool.clothes.and I.have.nothing. I hate her!” Sandy’s envy about her friends good fortune robbed her of a happy visit. Had Sandy been able to open her heart and feel a little of her friend’s joy, she might have gotten ideas and inspiration to improve her own life.
Both Mark and Sandy suffer from severe depression, keeping them self-centered, pissed-off, and unable to feel joy and emotional connection with others. This closed-off approach to life can rob you of the opening, building, problem-solving fuel of happiness. Dr. Barbara Fredrickson found that increasing your joy opens your mind to greater possibilities and improves problem solving skills. Happiness adds real practical value to our lives.
Research shows that about 50% of our happiness appears to be a genetically determined “set point.” Some babies are born smiling, others cranky based on hereditary predisposition. Another 10% of our capacity for joy is determined by our circumstances, rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, etc. The remaining 40% of our ability for happiness is determined by our own actions and thoughts. While Mark and Sandy struggled with genetic predispositions to depression, they needed help seeing the impact their own thoughts and actions made in their ability to feel good.
Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness writes, “…becoming lastingly happier demands making some permanent changes that require effort and commitment every day of your life.” One of those permanent changes include avoiding social comparison. We often compare ourselves to others and find something lacking in ourselves. This makes us feel down, discouraged, resentful. Instead it’s helpful to stop the thoughts of comparison and distract ourselves by thinking about something else, like a hobby, a personal goal, or a favorite movie or book.
If you find yourself pissed-off about the happiness of others, stop comparing and start living. Happiness enhancing activities include: practicing acts of kindness, committing to your goals, learning to forgive and nurturing your relationships. As you make efforts toward kindness and achieving personal goals, your life improves. When your heart warms toward others, you can find joy in the happiness of others. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, it’s best to cause happiness wherever you go, rather than whenever you go.
According to some recent findings… and I’m not sure where they were found or who actually found them… although I am sure the finders are keepers as the expression goes. And you just know the finders are very smart people, some of whom where white coats, have beakers/will travel, and know math.
Wherever the smart people found the findings, they found that one of the biggest reasons a person is unhappy is because they want something they can’t have. Like a pet monkey or a paddle boat. The second biggest reason a person is unhappy is because they imagine that other people have something they don’t. Like a tax shelter or a happy family.
The unhappy person doesn’t realize that the happy person has just as many reasons to be unhappy as the unhappy person, but doesn’t react the same to minor irritations. Happy people spill iced tea in their laps or hot coffee on the seat of their new car. But those little events don’t ruin their day. Whereas the unhappy person thinks that fate gave them the bruised banana to remind them they were not meant to enjoy life.
Have you ever noticed that when you’re early for an appointment all the lights are green? And when you’re running late, all the lights are red?
I’m not saying the difference between happiness and unhappiness is all perception. But I bet a lot of it is. You know. The optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. And the pessimist fears that is true.
Well said Gary! And thanks for sharing your wit. Laughter helps us turn toward joy. Now about that bruised banana…
I can attest to the truth about giving to others being a powerful tool toward building happiness in yourself. Just thinking about another person in a more positive way and trying to understand why they are the way they are, makes you feel better. But the ACTS of giving are the most powerful. Letting someone in your lane during heavy traffic, smiling at people as you walk into the grocery store, telling the assistant at the pharmacy how efficient and fantastic they are at their job and watching their faces change makes you feel better. But on a deeper level, making conscious changes in our behavior toward family members, co-workers, school mates, teachers and friends carries benefits that are lasting. If someone makes you feel good or does something kind – tell them! If they are looking especially nice and you think it – tell them! If they look down or stressed, ask them about it and REALLY listen. What you get back is priceless.
Good point Kelly. One of the most important discoveries in psychology is that feelings follow behavior. If we act in a compassionate and caring way, we increase our feelings of compassion and caring.
How nice. All we have to do is think happy thoughts and work real hard and maybe we can all be happy.
Sometimes it’s not easy to feel happy. But psychology research suggests that it’s worth the effort to try.