How To Stop Yelling at Your Teen-ager
By Gina Simmons, Ph.D.
She called me a “stupid bitch!”, said Angela, aged 14, referring to her exasperated mother. Angela’s parents brought her to my office complaining about her defiance, her angry outbursts and poor school performance. Angela shouted and cursed at her parents and they shouted and cursed right back. Mom and Dad routinely blamed each other for Angela’s problems in loud verbal battles. Angela cranked up her ipod to drown out the noise. There’s a reason kids listen to lyrics like, “Head like a hole, black as your soul. I’d rather die than give you control.” Home, for this family, resembled a war zone, complete with Improvised Explosive Devices and hostile forces.
The Importance of Trust
“How did Angela lose trust in you?” I asked the parents. They looked at me dumbfounded. After we talked for awhile the parents admitted they had not considered that the relationship with their daughter required trust in them. They believed that Angela should just listen to them simply because they had authority over her. The relationship fractured due to Angela’s broken trust in her parents judgment. Angela no longer believed that they cared about her. When that happens, parents have little or no influence over their teen.
Children long to please parents when they believe their parents want what’s in their best interest. When degrading, hostile language and behavior substitute for discipline, the relationship breaks down. Then the teen will do everything in her power to avoid her parents and reject their influence. We cannot make our teenagers do anything. The only power we have over them is the power to influence based on the quality of the relationship. Most of us want our children to ultimately grow to:
- Live independently and financially support themselves.
- Find a mate they can love and feel loved by.
- Achieve their full potential.
How To Repair the Damage
To accomplish those ends parents can do a lot to teach, guide, encourage and support, but only if you have the listening ear of your teen. Once teens stop listening to and respecting you, you’ve got some repair work to do. To repair a damaged relationship with your teen do the following:
- Admit your part in the damage to the relationship.
- Apologize and share how you plan to improve.
- Ask your teen what she needs from you in order to trust you.
- Share your best hope for your teen to have a good life.
Give Your Teenager Hope
When we yell at our teens it weakens our position. No one listens to a yelling voice. It helps when you listen more than lecture or yell. When a teen feels heard and understood, he is more receptive to listening to you. Tell your teen your own best hope for him.
- “You have real talent in math. I know you’ll feel very proud of yourself if you stick with your studies and win that scholarship.”
- “I ask you to help around the house because I want you to know how to care for your own home someday. I also want you to have good relationships with anyone who lives with you.”
- “When you watch too much T.V. I notice you seem grumpy and unhappy. You’re a lot happier when you go outside and do something active every day.”
Angry homes are fearful homes. Parents unload their fears on their kids. “You’re never going to amount to anything.” “No one will ever want to hire a lazy bum like you.” “You’re going to end up a loser like crazy Uncle Ed.” Kids unload their fears on the parents. “You don’t care about anything but your job.” “You just want me to stay home all weekend and be miserable like you.” “I’ll go crazy if I have to listen to you lecture me again.”
Parents need to give their kids the hope that they can achieve their full potential. So don’t unload your fears on them. They need someone to believe in them. If their own parents don’t believe in them, where can they get the strength to keep struggling every day to do better?
If You Can’t Help Them, Find Someone Who Can
If your relationship with your teen is so damaged you can’t even try the suggestions here, don’t give up. You can still influence your teen by supporting her to have relationships with other adults who can provide a healthy influence. Perhaps your teen has a great relationship with a grandparent or other relative or a counselor. Perhaps you can support your child’s relationships with teachers, coaches, pastors and youth group leaders. Don’t give up trying to improve your relationship. Consistent signs of love and support, over many years, even if rejected by your teen, still make a huge difference in the lifespan of your relationship. If you keep at it, eventually they will come back for Thanksgiving dinner and thank you. But only if you stop yelling.
This is a wonderful topic that many parents need to hear and actually LISTEN to. I have seen too many parents who do not view their own children with respect. If they thought about it, they would not want a relationship with another person who did not repect THEM. So, how can their children even learn the concept of respect when their own parents have never displayed it toward them? Great advice to get outside help if they are unable to do it themselves!
I appreciate your comment. Children do repeat what has been modeled by parents and siblings in the home. To change bad habits trust needs to be reestablished. It takes work, but if families do the work they become happier and healthier.
Hey, my dad is constantly yelling at me. I’m a 17 year-old male. In my case, my dad yells at me and sometimes he gets so aggressive with his verbal assaults that I have a mental breakdown/panic attack. He constantly yells at me about sensitive subjects, such as my grades (which he did have a part in, since he made me change the way I did my homework and it backfired) and calls me a loser, as well as much harsher words that I feel I cannot share on here. He’s delusional to the fact that he causes me problems, such as depression (and I had suicidal thoughts a few years ago; I got past that when I realized I could always go live with my mother if it got too harsh). He is trying to put me on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications despite the fact that I have never experienced a panic attack that did not directly involve him. Also, I abused a few substances such as cannabis, which helped out with my stress a ton (it didn’t push away my problems, it just made me able to “get over it”) and I only smoked once a week to reset all the accumulated stress. Unfortunately, my dad eventually caught me and threatened to kick me out if he ever caught me again. Now, I have nothing good going on in life: I have no social time, I do homework all day, I am failing out of school despite once being a 4.0 student, and my dad is yelling at me more and more the worse I do. I feel trapped also, because if I leave, I will have to go to a sub-par rural school instead of the private school I attend. Can you give me any advise? (I can give you more details in email or something)
Mike, I’m so sorry to hear about the stress you feel. It sounds like you are finding it difficult to enjoy your life and buffer the stress you feel with your father’s anger. Usually the opposite of love is indifference, not anger. It may be that your dad really does care about you and wants you to be successful. It may be that he just doesn’t know how to influence you to perform better in school and stop smoking pot. Clearly the stress you feel will not help you perform at your best in school. I suggest that you look for a school counselor, teacher, another adult who knows you, and ask that person for advice. If you can muster the courage to ask your dad to take you both to family counseling to help work on your relationship that might help you both to learn to talk to each other more respectfully. You sound like a very bright young man. Use your imagination to calm yourself down. Check out my blog post “How to Ease Your Worried Mind” http://www.manageangerdaily.com/2010/05/how-to-ease-your-worried-mind/ and try the wonderful moment meditation at the end of the piece. If you can imagine yourself feeling strong, confident, secure and healthy, your body can relax more and help you to focus. On the other hand, telling yourself that you can’t handle the situation can magnify the pain in your mind and make it worse than it already feels. Smoking pot can lead to long term problems in social and occupational functioning and stunt your learning potential. I know you just want some immediate relief, but try using the power of your mind to imagine feeling better.
Thankyou!